


Clint's A Little Confused and Possibly a Touch Disturbed (Or: Wait, What Just Happened?)

by Illusinia



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Clint is confused, Coulson has a secret, F/M, M/M, Seriously I don't know what this is..., but it would ruin the surprise, there is another relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-01-30
Packaged: 2017-11-27 12:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/661951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illusinia/pseuds/Illusinia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint's a little confused...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clint's A Little Confused and Possibly a Touch Disturbed (Or: Wait, What Just Happened?)

**Author's Note:**

> So, don't ask me what this is. I don't know where it came from, the idea just struck me as funny. Please don't kill me for this one guys. Hopefully someone will get a laugh out of this.

Clint Barton wasn't one to become attached to people. He didn't believe in love, had never really had it shown to him. Which is why he was so absolutely beyond _confused_ when he realized one day that he was absolutely, completely _in love_ with his handler. Something which never should have happened. Ever.

 

And yet, it did. Much to his confusion/chagrin/horror (because he hadn't even realized he _swung that way_ ), he was in love with Agent Phil Coulson. His handler. His boss. His friend. The worst part was, he knew it couldn't end well.

\---------------------

The air vents above Phil's office had become one of Clint's favorite places to hide, in part because he could eaves drop on everything that happened in the office and in part because he could watch Phil. When the hell had he turned into a stalker, anyway?

  
  


“You know, you can actually come into my office rather than hiding in the air vents, Agent Barton,” pointed out Phil, eyes never leaving the papers in front of him. Clint would deny that he jumped under torture and threat of death. Super-spies don't jump.

  
  


Gulping a little, he opened the vent he'd been spying through and dropped into Phil's office easily. Phil raised an eyebrow at his favorite sniper but didn't say a word otherwise. It was a little unnerving.

  
  


A knock on the door broke the silence in the room, even as the person who knocked didn't wait for confirmation to enter the office. “Hey Phil, I've got those papers....” Darcy Lewis froze in the doorway as she looked up from whatever was in her hand and realized that Phil wasn't alone. “Oh, sorry. Didn't know anyone came in. Don't monitor the air vents and all that.” Her eyes landed on Clint and he could swear they narrowed at him a little in suspicion. “I'll just bring these to you later...”

  
  


Phil shook his head and held out his hand for the papers. “It's fine Darcy, I've been waiting on those for a bit.”

  
  


Darcy nodded and swept into the room, handing the papers neatly over to Phil while giving Clint the once-over out of the corner of her eye. “Yeah, sorry about that. R&D got a new secretary and he's an absolute ass. Didn't want to cooperate. Do you need anything else?”

  
  


Phil shook his head. “Not right now. It's almost five, you can head home whenever you want.”

  
  


“Sounds good,” replied Darcy as she shot one more appraising look at Clint before leaving the room.

  
  


When she was gone, Phil turned to look at Clint with a raised eyebrow. “It is almost time to leave for the day, Agent Barton. Was there something you needed?”  
  
  


Clint felt his words catch in his throat. Several times he tried to answer the negative, but every time he failed until finally his mouth formed words. And they weren't words he wanted. “Drinks.” Phil's eyebrow rose sharply. “Er, do you want to grab a drink?”

  
  


For a moment, he thought Phil was going to say no. The way the man was looking at him as if he was insane almost made Clint want to dive back into the air ducts and never come out again. Then, the other agent shrugged and stood. “Sure. Though we may want to grab dinner too. Drinking without food tends to be a bad idea.”

\----------------

After that, everything just sort of fell together for them. Clint would wait around at the end of the day in Phil's office, then they would go out and do something together. He hadn't made any moves towards Phil of course. Not yet. Even though he really wanted to.

  
  


The thing was, Phil was a hard man to read, and he wasn't sure his boss saw their nightly (when work didn't interfere) get-togethers as anything other than two friends from work hanging out. So, while Clint really, _really_ wanted to do certain things to Phil that were _not_ family friendly in the _least_ , he didn't want to ruin what they had going either. Beyond the fact that he'd loose the man he was in love with (how the hell did this even _happen_ anyway?), he didn't really feel like getting shipped off to Siberia or some other equally horrid country either for fucking up.

\----------------

A tray hit the table in front of where Clint was sitting, startling the man out of his thoughts of Phil and the mess he was in. Looking up, he found Darcy standing before him, her tray resting on the table across from him. Clint tried his hardest not to shift uncomfortably. He'd never admit it to anyone else, but Darcy made him nervous. Sure, she was friendly, open, approachable, and as sarcastic as he was on most days, but there was always an underlying sense that she was watching his every move. Recording everything he said and did in her mind. Plus, she was Phil's secretary. He really didn't want to give her anything that might get back to her boss and kill his chances with the man.

  
  


“Hey Clint, any chance I could steal you from Phil for the night?” asked Darcy curiously. “I was thinking we could grab some dinner.”  
  
  


Clint's eyes widened at her words and for a moment he felt like a deer trapped in the headlights. She was asking him out. Her actions suddenly made sense. She was interested in him and was asking him out. “Er, sorry Darcy. I don't think I can make it out tonight.”

  
  


One of her eyebrows rose in an uncanny resemblance of Phil, though she didn't look disappointed. “Okay, well, then how about tomorrow night? I know you and Phil are going to that orchestra thing on Thursday, so I won't even ask about then, but I'd like to _try_ to have dinner with you before then. Hell, even just drinks will do. I just want to talk with you, that's all. Get to know you better.”

  
  


What. The. Fuck. Clint couldn't believe this. Or understand it. She knew he went out with her boss every night, but she was still trying to ask him out? And she wasn't being particularly gentle about it either. Clint rubbed his forehead, confused. “Look, Darcy, I'm flattered you want to spend time with me. Really, I am. But I'm just not interested in-”

  
  


Darcy's eyes had gotten wider as he spoke and for a moment he'd thought she was going to cry. Until she burst out laughing instead. And hard. She dropped heavily into the seat across from him and shook her head, attempting to bring her laughter under control. Now he was really confused.

  
  


When she could finally breath again, Darcy started to explain. “Dude, no. It's nothing like that _at all_.” A few giggles broke through her words and she had to pause again for a moment to bring herself under control. When she did, her voice had dropped lower to ensure only the two of them could hear what she was saying. “Look, meet me tonight at the bar you and Phil always go to. Phil's got a meeting that's going to last well beyond five, so he'll tell you to meet him there anyway. I just want to talk and get to know you a little better, like I said, but I have no interest in you _like that_.”

  
  


Clint nodded uncertainly, not sure what to make of the situation. Why was she so interested in getting to know him better? “Okay then....”

  
  


“Sweet,” replied Darcy with a grin as she stood with her food. “I'll see you then.” And she was gone, sweeping across the cafeteria and out the door without another word to anyone.

  
  


Not for the first time, Clint wondered what he'd gotten himself into.

\------

The bar he usually went to with Phil sat in the middle of a row of buildings about ten blocks from S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters. It wasn't one of the dive bar's Clint was used to, but rather a nicer one that played jazz music over the speakers and served some great bar food to boot. As soon as Clint had come in, he'd scanned the crowd to see if Darcy was there already. He hadn't seen her at work when he'd gone by Phil's office close to five and been promptly told (as she'd said he would be) that Phil would meet him at the bar when his meeting was done.

  
  


Clint spotted Darcy a few seconds later and almost turned around to walk back out of the bar. The only thing that stopped him was the fact that she waved at him as soon as she caught sight of him. She was dressed up. Like, completely dressed up. Date-wear dressed up. Dress, make-up, jewelery, the works. Fuck, what had he gotten himself into?

  
  


Slowly, he made his way over to where she sat, two beers on the table in front of her. One was pushed towards him as he sat down, her smile wide. “Here, I ordered you a beer. Phil said this is the one you always order.”

  
  


This was a bad idea. An extremely bad idea. There was _no way_ she wasn't interested. However, before he could get another word in edge wise, Darcy was talking again.

  
  


“Sorry about being over-dressed, I'm meeting Steve after this to go dancing and don't have time to change between meeting you and when he's picking me up,” explained Darcy before she took a sip of her own beer.

  
  


Clint was pretty sure his jaw was hanging open a little, poised to say something but unable to because his brain had completely shut down. Her and Steve were going dancing? She was with Steve? Then why the hell was she pursuing him so hard?

  
  


Apparently, some part of that though hadn't remained in his head, because Darcy choked on her beer and just avoided getting any on her dress. “Dude, what are you talking about? I'm not pursuing you _at all_. You and Dad are great together; the thought never even crossed my mind. I mean, yeah, I checked you out a bit, but that's more because when your dad tells you that he has a crush on a guy at work, most daughters check said guy out. It's just part of life.”

  
  


His hearing was shot. Completely and utterly shot. It had to be. Darcy _did not_ just say that Phil was her father. She didn't even _imply_ that Phil was her father. Phil was single. He'd checked. Numerous times.

  
  


“Which, for the record, is why I was so insistent on meeting with you,” continued Darcy as she leaned back. “I can't exactly grill you at work. Or kick your ass for taking _way too damn long_ to make a move. Dad's starting to think you aren't interested like that and it's kinda depressing him. And, for the record, I know you are so don't deny it. I've seen how you look at him. Guy's don't look at other guys like that _unless_ they're interested.”

  
  


“I-I wouldn't dream of it,” muttered Clint, brain barely functioning. Yeah, this wasn't how he planned for his night go to.

  
  


“Good,” continued Darcy, not bothering to stop for a breath. “Then, I just have a few generic warnings for you. Hurt my dad, and I hurt you. Natasha isn't the only person in S.H.I.E.L.D who can kill someone with a toothpick, and I'm friends with all of them. If you hurt him, I will _personally_ remove you balls and shove them down your throat. He doesn't need another bad relationship in his life. And he definitely doesn't need to loose someone he loves again, so be aware that if you die on a mission, I will raise you from the dead and kick your ass. Got it?”  
  
  


Clint gulped a little and nodded. “Got it.”

  
  


“Good,” replied Darcy with a grin as she took another sip of her beer, then waved at someone who had just come in.

  
  


Slowly, Clint turned in his chair to see Phil walking casually towards them. The easy smile on his face made Clint's heart race. The other man stopped beside their table, leaning down to drop a kiss on top of Darcy's head. “Hello sweetheart, done torturing Agent Barton yet?”

  
  


Darcy grinned up at Phil and dropped her own kiss on his cheek. “All done Dad. He's all yours again.”

  
  


“Good,” replied Phil with a nod. “You'd better get going, Steve's waiting for you out front.”

  
  


“Did you leave him in one piece for me?” asked Darcy curiously, one of her eyebrows raised in a duplicate of Phil's own.

  
  


Phil nodded with a smirk. “He's all there, if not perhaps a little broken mentally.”

  
  


“Eh, that's okay, a little brain damage never hurt anyone,” shrugged Darcy with a brush of her hand as she stood. “Speaking of brain damage, Clint might have sustained some. I think he stopped breathing a few times during our conversation.”

  
  


Phil sighed heavily as if he was upset, even though his eyes were glinting with a touch of laughter. “Alright, I'll see what the damage is.”

  
  


“Cool, have a good night Dad, and don't wait up,” replied Darcy with a wave before she scurried out of the bar.

  
  


The look on Phil's face was a cross between unease and exasperated acceptance as he dropped into the seat Darcy had just vacated. “They grow up so fast.”

  
  


Clint's mind had started to work again slowly, which allowed him to nod in response to Phil's statement. The words that came out of his mouth, however, were completely out of his control. “You have a daughter?”  
  
  


Phil's eyebrow rose but he nodded none the less and took a sip of the beer Darcy had left behind. “I would have thought Darcy had made that clear.”

  
  


“And she's dating Steve? As in, Captain America Steve?” continued Clint, his mind still attempting to wrap itself around the reality of what had just happened.

  
  


“Yes,” confirmed Phil, worry starting to take over his features. “That's who I had a meeting with.”

  
  


Clint nodded slowly. “To threaten him.”

  
  


“Yes,” repeated Phil. “Most fathers find threatening the men dating their daughter therapeutic. Are you alright, Clint?”

  
  


“Yeah,” assured Clint, his mind finally kicking completely into gear. “Yeah, I'm fine. Just...shocked. Why didn't you mention you had a daughter?”

  
  


Phil shrugged. “You never asked. I figured I'd leave it up to Darcy if she wanted to tell you or not.”

  
  


Clint nodded and downed the rest of his beer for courage, Darcy's words about taking too long to make a move echoing in his head. “Phil, are you interested in me?”

  
  


Phil gave him a look that said he was starting to believe Clint was mentally damaged. “I'd have thought that would have been obvious by now. We go out nearly every night.”

  
  


Those words eased the tension that had been gripping Clint's chest like a vice for months, allowing him to breath easily again for the first time in years. “Go with me on an actual date?”

  
  


The words were out before he could consider what he'd said, but the smile Phil shot him erased any lingering worry. “I was beginning to think you'd never ask.”


End file.
